lately, i have been understanding love. true, undying love. and i have been learning that it can only come from Jesus. and even if i say that i have love inside of me, my love is nothing of me. its all because of Him.
i want to share love with everyone i encounter. at school, at church, at a coffee shop or on the street. i have this intense need to share every last drop of love i have to people that i meet, but it has been much more difficult than i could ever imagine. i thought 'if i want to love people, then all i have to do is get out there and do it', but it is not seeming to work out that way. i lose my sense of direction for loving people and my passion very easily. i run dry. its almost like i forgot how to truly love someone. but this weekend God showed me that i cannot love someone, anyone, on my own. it doesn't matter if i have known them for 6 years or i have just met them 6 minutes ago, i cannot love people on my own.
i especially learned this lesson over the summer in austria. im just going to be honest, it was sometimes hard to love people over there. but by the third or fourth day i figured it out. the only way i would be able to last the day was if i woke up and prayed for God's love to pour out on me so that i might share it generously with the teenagers at the camp. and you know what happened? every morning when i woke up, and asked for God's love in my heart, i found myself loving in a way i never knew was possible...at least on my own that is.
in saying all of this, God is showing me love. true love. how to love like Him.
this weekend i was blessed to be able to travel to my most favorite place in the world (i havent been to many places in the world, but people, i just know that colorado beats them all), colorado to see my honey. his name is stiles christner, and he is my hearts companion. stiles has a confidence in the Lord that i admire so much, and he truly follows the Lords footsteps. he never creates footsteps for himself, he just walks along the path that has already been made for him. he leads our relationship in a way that i know is chasing after our Savior; stiles pushes me towards our one true love. every morning i find myself waking up with a thankful heart, and i immediately thank my Jesus for him. he has left a imprint on my heart forever. lately, as in this semester especially, stiles has been alot more expressive to me of his love. i cant go a day without him telling me that he loves me more than 10 times. and the thing about stiles is that i know he really, truly means every word, every time he says it. i would always respond back, i' love you too', but i just knew that i wasn't on the same level as him. but this weekend, when i went to visit him, i realized what it is to love stiles. it is not of me. it is a love that only God can pour into my heart. stiles isn't loving me with his own love, he is loving me with the overflow of Gods love in his heart. im so thankful that God showed me that. i dont have to worry about how much i am loving others, or if i am loving them enough. all the love i give is from my Father, and with my Father ruling my heart i have nothing to worry about.
this weekend me and stiles also recorded a song for a c.d. we were asked a few weeks before if we would want to, and of course we took that offer up. after we recorded that song, i saw what a great opportunity hopeful music is in this world of corrupted songs. i want to do music with my life, i desire to share the things God lays on my heart with other people through lyrics and music. i know that music is what God is calling me to do, i feel it so strongly. im so looking forward to the day when the Lord plants words in my heart to share with the world. im so ready. i want to be used in every way possible to love others with the love that only Christ can give.
this recent discovery of love has led me to another mode of thinking:
this morning while i was getting ready i heard a man on the radio talking about ultimate obedience. i dont remember the exact words he used but this is the jist, 'true obedience to God is when you would give up the most desired thing of your heart to simple obey God'. that cut deep in my heart. it hit me in the most tender spot. would i really give up my deepest desire to obey God? not merely worship Him, but just obey Him? i honestly do not know. i would love to say yes, but i know that is not the case. im not discouraged by that though, i know that when i pray through things like that and ask for the Lords guidance, i will surely learn. that man inspired me to live my life in a way that involves leaving myself behind and diving head first into Him. i want to be consumed and engulfed in Him and His love.
i want to obey my Lord with everything in me, and i want to love like never before.
so that His name is forever glorified and that we changed by Him,
Lauren
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